The immediate reaction to cancer for me was disbelief then overwhelming fear. It is something you must experience to understand. I felt literally like there was huge threat labeled cancer right in front of my face 24 hours a day. It was there in my dreams and no matter what I was doing. I had people who told me just to be positive. This is unrealistic, I believe. I think that one must go through this. It felt like walking through the valley of the shadow of death. It is not fun but I think it is necessary.
Things started happening in my life to help me keep moving. I heard a sermon right after the diagnosis about remembering who we are. It used a film clip in which a Christian soldier in some past time was dealing with a crisis of manpower. The knights were all being killed. He made a decision to knight the common people, most of whom were farmers. After that brief ceremony, he spoke to a young man asking him who he was. The man replied he was a farmer. The leader slapped him and said "No, you are a knight. Never forget it!"
This made a huge impact on me. I felt like the cancer was my slap in the face reminding me who I am. I saw it at that moment as a good thing and felt that it would be a good somehow for me and for my family.
I will continue with this in the next entry.
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